Ruminations

I am about to make the understatement of the year:  life is certainly a journey.  You know, ups and down, unexpected zigs and zags.  I had no idea what so ever six months ago I would be undertaking this particular journey.  Aside from the occasional skin cancer, no one in my family has ever had cancer and this has been completely new ground for me. So, I had my first chemo on May 16: taxotere, carboplatin, heceptin and perjeta.  A nice toxic cocktail.  It’s weird to watch that poison drip into your veins.  It was a grueling 8 hour day as they give all the first doses slowly to monitor for a reaction.  Within two days I was sick: diarrhea, nausea, and bone pain.  I also received neulasta to help my bone marrow ramp up and support my immune system and that means the bones HURT a deep ache and pain that is unrelenting.  Round the clock pain meds, nausea meds, dealing with the diarrhea……..my daughter ended up stopping at one of the pot shops and got me marijuana vapes.  We are lucky enough to live in a state where it is legal.  My good friend Tamara also had gotten me some CBD oil and ointment as well and between all of them it helped.  I have to say I am not a fan of the smell of pot.

For a couple of days I simply medicated myself and slept and cleaned myself up.  Bouts of crying, sobbing, swearing and feeling so out of control.  Now I have thrush (oral yeast infection) and external yeast infection and started on diflucan.  Cannot stomach the swish and swallow version–promptly threw it all up.

So I had a Chest CT scan and abdomen and pelvis CT with contrast before chemo started and they found some potentially worrisome nodes in my lungs.  You know, they try to spin it positive like “It could just be residual inflammation left over from your surgery.  We’ll watch it and repeat the scans in three months.” So, I put that in its own compartment and worry about it in three months.  If its metastastes then they should potentially shrink I would think….if they get bigger, then I guess adjust the chemo to get them.

I cannot believe its only been a week since the chemo.  I still do not have any energy, feel fatigued, even hard to get up the energy to do things.  So I do a little, rest a lot, do a little more.  My sister is coming for the weekend and I warned her all that I feel.  Tonight is the first night in my own home since chemo so looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.  God bless my daughter Miriam for all her help and support.  My son Luke and daughter have been life savers. Their families have been amazing.  I thank them from the bottom of my soul.