Exhaustion

There is no word that properly describes just how rotten I feel right now.  Exhaustion comes to mind, fatigue.  But its much more than that.  To even consider moving my arms or getting up and walking across the room takes considerable desire and planning.  Its just not worth it most of the time.  The energy expenditure and the mental energy expenditure is so not worth it.  The fatigue is bone deep, cellular.  Chemo sucks the life energy out of you while the poison tries to kill off all the cancer cells.  It reminds me of the knight on Princess Bride (that old movie) who gets hooked up to the machine that does just that…pulls all his essence out of him and leaves him pasty and unable to even move his finger.  Add to that the constant bouts of nausea, retching, diarrhea, and deep deep bone pain that feels like someone is constantly hammering at your bones with a sledge hammer–a recipe for abject depression, fatigue and misery.

But it does get better.  Today I went into oncology and got a bag of IV fluids with potassium in it.  Will do it again on Thursday to keep me tanked up since I can’t seem to keep on top of hydration and keep feeling so wiped out.  I don’t know what chemo is supposed to do if not this.  Maybe I’m having an adverse reaction. Ha. four more to go.Each day does seem like the worst and then it does start to get a little bit better.  A little less symptoms, marginally.

Thank god for my family!  They come and keep up my lawn, do some chores that need doing, take care of me when I feel really horrible,  two rounds of the nasty chemo done–